I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
look at me when i’m typing to you
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
So the ex texted me
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin