I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
philosophical skeletons be like
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Woke up against my better judgment again
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.