When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
*struts into the new year
~ trips