GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
u guys got any snacks onboard here
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I think I’ll stand
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Well, this is awkward
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.