And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
You Might Also Like
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁