Never forget.
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But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Encore…
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.