is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
You Might Also Like
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps