Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
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Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it