Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
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For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok