[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
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6: are snakes just neck?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works