I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
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Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
This hospital has everything
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this