i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?