Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.