I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
…..pretty much.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath