ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
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Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*