*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
You Might Also Like
What a chick magnet..
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.