Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.