WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
handsome & gretel
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket