Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.