Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
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When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Plant care tips
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Florida be like…
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
A family that plays together cheats.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?