Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
we’re gonna need another temp
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Meat Cute
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave