The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago