One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
You Might Also Like
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.