behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.