An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
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This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.