I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.