GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.