I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.