I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery