Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
You Might Also Like
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
that’s really how it is
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.