Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Don’t make me out nice you.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.