“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.