Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
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this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Noah
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
When you don’t understand how floors work
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro