{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*