Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
this chia pet tastes awful
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.