Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
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I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism