Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Good morning y’all ☀️
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
happy friday
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.