My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing