How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*