People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
concern
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no