Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah