Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.