It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
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Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
🤣😈🤣
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀