Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
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oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!