I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
he looks great for his age
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings