My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.