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Very good! 👍😂
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession