Toh the desire to sin is so great 馃槣馃槀馃槃馃ぃ馃し馃槣
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graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it鈥檚 just underneath flannel.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other鈥檚 eyes.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I鈥檇 love to see their electric bill
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.