Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.