I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
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[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle